Sunday, March 9, 2014

How To Be A Good Wife

Let's get right to it. Are you a good wife? Of course, you are. Now, let's see how your view compares with the tried and tested qualities of a good wife. A good wife should always keep open the channels of communication between her husband and herself, both verbal and sexual. To this point, seldom do wives realize that sex is a form of communication where important conversation takes place with unspoken words. 

Through sex a woman allows a man to enter the most precious and guarded part of her being. She communicates to him that she loves him and values him so much as to give him her most valued possession. She communicates to him that she trusts him to do no harm to her or her children. She communicates to him that she respects him not only as a man, but also for his qualities as a good husband.

But how many wives would truthfully say they respect their husbands? To press the point, if to respect means a wife's humble submission to all her husband's whims and desires, you would find very few wives, if any at all, agreeing that is a quality of a good wife. But if you define respect to mean a wife admiring her husband for his qualities as a good husband, and his ability to protect and provide for his family, then many wives would have no problem agreeing that respecting their husbands is a quality of a good wife.

Although some may disagree, respecting or more correctly, admiring your husband is the most important quality a good wife can bring to a marriage. To find why, you need to understand the nature of a man. 

While the numbers do vary, it's generally agreed that the ancestors of modern man/woman first appeared on earth about 200,000 years ago. To protect themselves from the elements and from been eaten by wild animals they began living in caves. A man was built to fight. He had to be aggressive in order to maintain his fighting spirit, and ability to repel intruders. 

For over 190,000 years man has protected himself, his family and food sources with brute force. In a confrontation he had two choices: to fight to death, or flee when faced with overwhelming force. When he was cornered and had to fight, he brought forth every ounce of aggression in his being to prevail. Sometimes he got killed, and sometimes he killed the intruder. This is the primitive nature of man.

Only in the last 10,000 years has man slowly began tempering his innate aggression toward any thing or person that opposed him. He has found less aggressive ways of settling disputes over land, resources and women. But the modern man still carries within him the innate aggression of his primitive ancestors, although it's now often tightly kept under control.

By nature a man doesn't gladly accept defeat. His innate reaction to a confrontation is to fight aggression with more aggression. When he doesn't immediately react this way, he is only waiting for an opportune time to follow the dictate of his nature. Consequently, when a modern man is aggressively confronted by his wife, he would either fight using his superior physical strength to subdue her, or flee by way of a divorce. Which explains why the divorce rate tends to be high in countries where by overwhelming force a man is compelled to bend to the law, rather than to his nature.

Faced with the possibility of being subdued by brute force, or a divorce, a good wife should exercise her God given ability to enlighten her husband. She should help him develop his ability to protect and provide for his family. She should help him develop the qualities of a good husband by informing him about the things he could do to make her happy. In communicating these things to her husband, she should not be confrontational, or seem  ordering him to do them. To help him process her wishes favorably, she should ask him about the things she could do to make him happy, and promise to do them if they are reasonable.

By doing these things a good wife is putting her husband in a position where she could admire him for his achievements and qualities as a good husband. Her admiration for him would trigger her maternal instinct to feed him, to provide him with clean clothes, and maintain a clean home. Using her social skills, she should gradually encourage her husband to take part in cooking, washing the dishes, doing the laundry and cleaning the home without appearing to demand that he does them, or seeming to be manipulative. In practice, she should intentionally do a little bit more of the household chores, so that he won't feel being domesticated.

As her husband responds favorably to her coaching, she should genuinely praise him both in words and action for doing the right thing. In conversations about marital issues she should not confront him in anger, or seek to belittle or shame him. Doing this would threaten his manhood, and trigger his fight or flee response, either of which could be disastrous for the marriage. As well, it's the proper role of a good wife to reduce conflict in the home. She is better prepared by nature and upbringing to de-emphasize the issues that lead to conflict, because she can afford to appear vulnerable and weak, and yet not feel diminished, or lose the power to influence the behavior of her husband. For a man, it's imprinted on his mind that to appear vulnerable and weak could mean death.

Whereas aggression is imprinted in the DNA of a man as a necessary survival tool, a woman has no need for aggression. She is at the height of her power when she uses her social skills and wits to calm the tempestuous nature of her husband, and gently lead him toward the direction she wants him to go. Even when he becomes aggressive in speech or action, she should not respond in kind. Rather, she should find words and action that would calm him down because it's much easier to persuade a man to take a different course of action when he is calm than when he is in a state of anger.  

A good wife should highlight the things her husband does right, and speak only tangentially about the wrong things. She should be the one who keeps the channels of communication constantly opened. She should not allow her husband to be lonely in his own home, or lonely in his bed. She should not have an affair with another man. Of all things, she should not deprive him of sex. This is a tough one because denying sex is the one thing women have found works quickly and more often, yet it's the poison pill that kills most marriages, not money. Money starts the argument, but the deny of sex breaks up the marriage. 

All the same, it's a fact of life that regardless of what a good wife may do to help, some husbands are beyond help. They are the unteachable ones, who won't accept different ways of doing things from their wives. They claim to know all the answers, yet are wrong most of the time. With such intransigence from the husband, it's only a matter of time when the jostling between the two turns into verbal, emotional or physical abuse. While no sane person would advise a good wife to stay with an abusive husband, she should be clear in her mind that she has done everything in her power to help her husband, including examining her own attitude toward the marriage, for which she may need a marriage counselor to figure out.

Having done everything to hold onto the man she loves, if a good wife comes to a dead end, a divorce should be approached very carefully. It tears the family apart leaving behind wounds that may never heal. A divorce dangles before the eyes of the divorcing spouses the hope there is someone better out there for them. This is not always true. Hoping to find a better husband or wife out there, especially for a woman with children, is like rolling a dice. You have as much chance of winning as you have of losing.    

Saturday, March 8, 2014

How To Be A Good Husband

Living alone, however successful, would not have the necessary ingredients for a fruitful and fulfilled life. You would feel a void in your life, continuously trying to fill it in vain. Only a woman can fill that void, a woman who shares your interests and dreams for the future. 

A woman who brings stability in your life, and focus your mind on improving your lives together. Having found the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, you should now do everything to keep her in your life.

You should love your wife as you love yourself, meaning to treat her as you want to be treated. You won't want to be lied to, so don't lie to her. You won't want to be cheated on, so don't cheat on her. You won't want to be beaten, so don't beat her. 

You won't want to be detained, or forced to do something against your will, so don't do the same to her. You won't want to be disrespected and belittled, so don't disrespect and belittle her. 

You should see her as one with you, feel her pain and sorrow, as if they were yours, and take prompt action to lessen or end them.

You should protect your wife as you would protect yourself, meaning to exert all your strength, and spend every resource you own to protect her from harm, from being badgered, from disgrace, from detention, and from molestation. 

In fulfilling this obligation though, your wife should conduct herself in a manner that gives you every opportunity to carry out your duties as a good husband.

You should consummate the marriage to enable your wife fulfill her obligation to bear children. While the birth of a child may not occur in every marriage, you are still obligated to consummate the marriage. 

However, if having a child becomes the overriding issue in the marriage, it may undermine your affection for your wife. 

If you stayed in the marriage, it would be increasingly difficult to fulfill your obligation as a good husband, particularly if you were involved in extra-marital affairs in order to have a child that your wife is unable to give you. 

On the other hand, if you and your wife decided on adopting a child, you could rise above your problem, hold your marriage together, and remain a good husband. 

You should nurture and protect your children with all your strength and resources by showing genuine interest and involvement in their growth and education. You should be willing to help with the children when your wife needs you. 

This would go a long way to make you the husband she can depend on, and be willing to do everything to keep you in her life. She would be affectionate to you, more responsive to your needs, and provide the comfort you can look forward to everyday.

You should provide for your wife and children; notwithstanding the fact that in today's world, spousal roles may change making the wife the one who brings home the beacon, while the husband stays home and takes care of the kids. 

Regardless of the change in spousal roles, a good husband would always see himself as the provider for his family. To fulfill this obligation, you should keep yourself in good physical health to go to work, or if you are a stay-at-home dad, get the kids ready for school and do the daily household chores.

You should help with cooking and cleaning the house even if you are the breadwinner. A good husband takes an active part in maintaining the home. He takes part in cooking, cleaning and other chores, and if the kids are old enough, encourage them to help mom and dad clean the house and do the laundry. 

While doing these chores is a laudable role for a good husband, some men see this as a slippery slope where the husband would be made into an errand boy at the beck and call of his wife. And whenever he refuses to do what she wants, she would punish him by denying him sex.

A good husband would not subjugate his wife. She is not a subordinate to you, but an equal partner in the marriage relationship. A good husband would have learned how to control his primitive inclination to subjugate his wife. This is a lesson young men learn only with time and experience. 

Usually, when a boy meets a girl, her natural inclination is to be submissive to him. This is an innate characteristic of the female, necessary for the propagation of the human species.

The female signals her innate desire to have children to the young man by submitting to him. He usually takes this as her willingness to subordinate herself and bend to his whims. As the children grow up, she gradually begins to assert her independence as a full partner in the marriage. 

A good husband would recognize the change in his wife's attitude and make room for her to express her independence. When problems arise it may be because she exerts her independence to the point where he begins to feel subordinated.

To maintain peace in the home, a husband may accept the spousal role reversal and subordinate himself to his wife, or on the other hand, may bristle at her attempt to subordinate him, and as a result precipitate a divorce. 

How the issue of spousal role reversal may be handled depends on how long the couple have been married, the condition in the home, and whether there are children. 

A good husband would regularly buy small gifts for his wife. They need not be expensive gifts. The point here is not the price of the gifts, but the thought behind them. They tell her when you are at work, you think about her. 

These gifts may not have an immediate impact on the marriage relationship, but overtime they do round off the sharp edges of issues that would otherwise spiral into marital conflicts.

A good husband would create the conditions where his wife is able to communicate with him about all issues affecting the marriage. He would listen to what she has to say, not diminish the importance of her concerns, or viciously shoot each down. 

He would control his impatience and anger, make helpful suggestions to address her concerns, and when they disagree, avoid cutting off communication, or denying each other the pleasure of sex.

Having read this far, you may be tempted to think fulfilling these marital obligations would turn you into a domesticated husband. If you do, you are missing the point. 

If you love your wife, if you think she is adding value to your life, if you believe she's the one you've been looking for all your life, then you've found what it takes to keep her for the rest of your life. Just be a good husband.