Thursday, January 7, 2010

Infidelity, Its Causes And Solution

Infidelity is a betrayal of the core shared values that define an intimate relationship. It comes in two forms: physical and emotional infidelity, but in common usage infidelity usually refers to physical infidelity.

  • Two people once madly in love with each other,who eventually get married suddenly wake up one day and discover they have changed from the loving, caring, forgiving, and non-combative persons they were before to hiding an affair from their spouse and then lying about it.
  • When confronted by their conscience or spouse, they rationalize their behavior in these words: "My marriage is dead. I have lost interest in sex. There is no excitement in my marriage. We have grown apart. We do not share the same interest. My days were dead ends, I needed a way out and the affair just happened."
  • Traditionally, we put the blame for a divorce on the husband for having done something wrong, but statistics show that 70 - 75% of divorces are initiated by women. Four years into a marriage things begin to change. At least two children may have arrived. The household chores increase. The husband stays at work too late; either to avoid the household chores or simply is working too hard.
  • The wife feels left to do all the chores alone. She begins to build resentment for her husband's perceived care-free life. At first to a lesser degree, almost unnoticeable, then it begins to show and escalates if her husband continues with his care-free lifestyle.
  • If she has a full time job, her condition is worse; as she alone has to get the kids ready for school, prepare their breakfast, lunch, take them to school or to the school bus, pick them up from school, drop them off at after school programs, pick them up again, prepare dinner and get them ready for bed; only to start all over again the next day.
  • If her husband does not notice the stress under which she is running the home and help with at least 50% of the household chores, she will let him know her displeasure in short order. At the end of a long day, she is exhausted and doesn't want to be touched. Her husband takes that as a rejection and recoils. A wall begins to rise between them. She is occupied with the household chores and the children, and loses interest in sex.
  • Conversation between the two is reduced to perfunctory remarks, monosyllabic responses and sudden outbursts of anger or tears. Both feel trapped in a condition of unhappiness. Knowing it is unhealthy and wanting a way out, they begin to look to friends for the happiness they cannot find at home. The spouse under the most pressure is the first to be attracted to someone else.
  • When the opportunity presents itself she will start an affair. Happy days are here again, fireworks light up her life, and once again she is riding on the crest of those giddy emotional highs. Still doing the household chores, though, she is happiest when with her lover. Soon she is telling her husband they need time apart to recharge their love for each other.
  • A husband who doesn't see this as the beginning of the end has himself to blame when his wife asks for a divorce. Infidelity can be caused by things other than household chores. A wife may lose interest in sex with her husband, because he did not take care of himself, became overweight and sexually unattractive, he spends most of his free time away from her, or he stops supporting the family financially.
Whatever the cause, her boredom, frustration and unhappiness will push her into the arms of another man, just as - short of being a pathological philanderer - a husband who is not happy with his wife will be attracted to another woman. To hold onto your husband read How To Bring Passion Back Into Your Relationship.

Similarly, a husband who shows genuine interest in what is happening in his wife's life, supports her emotionally and financially, willing to help at all times with the household chores, and maintains a healthy weight is most likely to steer his wife away from infidelity. If the infidelity persists, be sure to see a marriage counsellor.

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