Sunday, March 9, 2014

How To Be A Good Wife

Let's get right to it. Are you a good wife? Of course, you are. Now, let's see how your view compares with the tried and tested qualities of a good wife. A good wife should always keep open the channels of communication between her husband and herself, both verbal and sexual. To this point, seldom do wives realize that sex is a form of communication where important conversation takes place with unspoken words. 

Through sex a woman allows a man to enter the most precious and guarded part of her being. She communicates to him that she loves him and values him so much as to give him her most valued possession. She communicates to him that she trusts him to do no harm to her or her children. She communicates to him that she respects him not only as a man, but also for his qualities as a good husband.

But how many wives would truthfully say they respect their husbands? To press the point, if to respect means a wife's humble submission to all her husband's whims and desires, you would find very few wives, if any at all, agreeing that is a quality of a good wife. But if you define respect to mean a wife admiring her husband for his qualities as a good husband, and his ability to protect and provide for his family, then many wives would have no problem agreeing that respecting their husbands is a quality of a good wife.

Although some may disagree, respecting or more correctly, admiring your husband is the most important quality a good wife can bring to a marriage. To find why, you need to understand the nature of a man. 

While the numbers do vary, it's generally agreed that the ancestors of modern man/woman first appeared on earth about 200,000 years ago. To protect themselves from the elements and from been eaten by wild animals they began living in caves. A man was built to fight. He had to be aggressive in order to maintain his fighting spirit, and ability to repel intruders. 

For over 190,000 years man has protected himself, his family and food sources with brute force. In a confrontation he had two choices: to fight to death, or flee when faced with overwhelming force. When he was cornered and had to fight, he brought forth every ounce of aggression in his being to prevail. Sometimes he got killed, and sometimes he killed the intruder. This is the primitive nature of man.

Only in the last 10,000 years has man slowly began tempering his innate aggression toward any thing or person that opposed him. He has found less aggressive ways of settling disputes over land, resources and women. But the modern man still carries within him the innate aggression of his primitive ancestors, although it's now often tightly kept under control.

By nature a man doesn't gladly accept defeat. His innate reaction to a confrontation is to fight aggression with more aggression. When he doesn't immediately react this way, he is only waiting for an opportune time to follow the dictate of his nature. Consequently, when a modern man is aggressively confronted by his wife, he would either fight using his superior physical strength to subdue her, or flee by way of a divorce. Which explains why the divorce rate tends to be high in countries where by overwhelming force a man is compelled to bend to the law, rather than to his nature.

Faced with the possibility of being subdued by brute force, or a divorce, a good wife should exercise her God given ability to enlighten her husband. She should help him develop his ability to protect and provide for his family. She should help him develop the qualities of a good husband by informing him about the things he could do to make her happy. In communicating these things to her husband, she should not be confrontational, or seem  ordering him to do them. To help him process her wishes favorably, she should ask him about the things she could do to make him happy, and promise to do them if they are reasonable.

By doing these things a good wife is putting her husband in a position where she could admire him for his achievements and qualities as a good husband. Her admiration for him would trigger her maternal instinct to feed him, to provide him with clean clothes, and maintain a clean home. Using her social skills, she should gradually encourage her husband to take part in cooking, washing the dishes, doing the laundry and cleaning the home without appearing to demand that he does them, or seeming to be manipulative. In practice, she should intentionally do a little bit more of the household chores, so that he won't feel being domesticated.

As her husband responds favorably to her coaching, she should genuinely praise him both in words and action for doing the right thing. In conversations about marital issues she should not confront him in anger, or seek to belittle or shame him. Doing this would threaten his manhood, and trigger his fight or flee response, either of which could be disastrous for the marriage. As well, it's the proper role of a good wife to reduce conflict in the home. She is better prepared by nature and upbringing to de-emphasize the issues that lead to conflict, because she can afford to appear vulnerable and weak, and yet not feel diminished, or lose the power to influence the behavior of her husband. For a man, it's imprinted on his mind that to appear vulnerable and weak could mean death.

Whereas aggression is imprinted in the DNA of a man as a necessary survival tool, a woman has no need for aggression. She is at the height of her power when she uses her social skills and wits to calm the tempestuous nature of her husband, and gently lead him toward the direction she wants him to go. Even when he becomes aggressive in speech or action, she should not respond in kind. Rather, she should find words and action that would calm him down because it's much easier to persuade a man to take a different course of action when he is calm than when he is in a state of anger.  

A good wife should highlight the things her husband does right, and speak only tangentially about the wrong things. She should be the one who keeps the channels of communication constantly opened. She should not allow her husband to be lonely in his own home, or lonely in his bed. She should not have an affair with another man. Of all things, she should not deprive him of sex. This is a tough one because denying sex is the one thing women have found works quickly and more often, yet it's the poison pill that kills most marriages, not money. Money starts the argument, but the deny of sex breaks up the marriage. 

All the same, it's a fact of life that regardless of what a good wife may do to help, some husbands are beyond help. They are the unteachable ones, who won't accept different ways of doing things from their wives. They claim to know all the answers, yet are wrong most of the time. With such intransigence from the husband, it's only a matter of time when the jostling between the two turns into verbal, emotional or physical abuse. While no sane person would advise a good wife to stay with an abusive husband, she should be clear in her mind that she has done everything in her power to help her husband, including examining her own attitude toward the marriage, for which she may need a marriage counselor to figure out.

Having done everything to hold onto the man she loves, if a good wife comes to a dead end, a divorce should be approached very carefully. It tears the family apart leaving behind wounds that may never heal. A divorce dangles before the eyes of the divorcing spouses the hope there is someone better out there for them. This is not always true. Hoping to find a better husband or wife out there, especially for a woman with children, is like rolling a dice. You have as much chance of winning as you have of losing.    

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